In This Life and the Next
by Laufeyson'sWife
Summary: A short slash story about the relationship between Saren Arterius and his protege and the path that was laid out for them in the events of Mass Effect. Rated M for adult situations.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello there!**

**After some inspiration to write and a bit of self encouraging, I wanted to post this. I have mixed feelings about my ending, but it'll do for now.**

**My Saren is a little softer than what most people write him as. But hey. Everyone has a soft side.**

**Anyways, hope you enjoy. (:**

* * *

><p>Saren opened his eyes. Slowly. He had that same numbing pain that he always had resting on his subconscious mind. He rubbed his face with a taloned hand as he sat up. He gave an annoyed side glance over towards the clock.<p>

0400; he'd only been out for thirty minutes.

There was definitely something weird going on. He scoffed. Weird was an understatement, but he was no stranger to weird. He put up with weird just fine. He sighed. It was normal that he couldn't handle so well. Like the silence of his ship. That was normal, the silence, but he hated it. It had been one year, but he still hadn't been able to go back to the lonely space life. He missed his companion, his friend, his...

He shook his head. He couldn't call him a lover. Sure they'd had ome heated moments, but... Never that far.

Saren heard his tool beep and he looked down at the i.d. of the caller. As if his thoughts had been read, he thought to himself. His mandibles flared into a grin at the name of the caller.

Nihlus Kryik.

Saren raised his tool to his ear and cleared his throat before he answered the call.

"Hello?"

"It's Nihlus."

"I'm aware. I saw your name before I answered."

"How do you know I wasn't kidnapped and someone was calling you from my tool?"

Saren shook his head.

"I guess I trusted that I had taught you better than to get caught." he said.

"You're not _that_ good of a teacher." Nihlus snickered. Then he dropped the tease in his tone and took on a more serious one. "Open up your face chat."

"Why?"

Saren heard the other turian sigh.

"You know why."

The tone he used told Saren of the longing that he too felt. He shook his head. It shouldn't be this way. They shouldn't have this sort of relationship. But he was just as subject to Nihlus as Nihlus was to him. He couldn't tell him no any more than Nihlus could tell him no. Saren reluctantly keyed in a command on his tool to open up the face chat function. He couldn't help the smile that flared onto his face at the sight of the turian. His dark plates, the striking white colony markings, those green eyes. His holo image was a pale comparison to what he looked like in person, which was a hell of a thing, because he was still pleasing to see even then. Saren straightened himself up and shook off the thought, but not without first noticing the way Nihlus had smiled back at him.

"What do you need?" Saren asked, wishing to block out the feelings in his chest.

Nihlus gave a lazy laugh.

"I wanted to ask you about a mission."

"I haven't been assigned anything-"

"I know. I was told you've been out of reach." Nihlus said. He tilted his head at him. "You ok?"

"I'm fine, just... Needed some down time I suppose."

"Saren... You know that if you need anything, I'm-"

"I know." Saren said with a nod. "I know you are... Thanks Nihlus."

"What's going on Saren?"

"I'm just... Not feeling right lately."

"You sick?" he asked with a grin.

"I think. Maybe. I don't know, I haven't been sick in nearly a lifetime."

"Well, just take it easy then." Nihlus ordered. "Where are you?"

"Near Venus."

"Why?"

"Just where I ended up." Saren said with a shrug.

"You shouldn't be allowed in the human's solar system."

Saren flickered his mandibles outward in a humored expression that made Nihlus grin with pride. Saren cleared his throat.

"Why are you asking me about a mission? What's going on?"

"I just wanted some tips..." Saren had to smile at him. A full smile, one that was rarely on his face and one that only Nihlus has been able to cause ever since his brother's death. Nihlus smiled right back, but he seemed a bit curious as well. "What are you laughin at?"

"Nothing... It's just... Curious, that you would still come to me with questions, rather than putting your options through your ship's VI interface." Saren explained. "Use your tools Nihlus, I've always told you that, the VI-"

"I know how to use a VI, Saren."

He heard humor in the dark turian's voice. Saren narrowed his eyes at him.

"If you think I'm smarter than a VI-"

"It's more of a personal problem than it is a matter of calculus."

Saren gave him a nod and he shifted on the bed. Nihlus let out a sigh and Saren let out a trill of comforting subharmonics. He could tell that something was bothering him.

"Talk, Nihlus." he said, his voice gentle. "Usually you won't shut up."

Nihlus smiled and gave a shrug.

"I'm going to be mentoring someone." he stated.

Saren noticed the way Nihlus seemed to shy away from him. He avoided Saren's eyes and his holo image shifted uncomfortably. As if Saren would be upset that he was going to be taking on a mentee. In truth, Saren had already been informed of Nihlus' incoming missions. It was his remaining duties as his mentor to know where he was going and what he'd be doing, in case Nihlus had trouble and needed help. It was something all spectres had for the first year of their own missions. Saren had been alerted to the fact that Nihlus was going to teach someone else now, and that had been the last update Saren had gotten and would get from then on.

Saren idly wondered if Nihlus was telling him this because he needed advice on how to mentor someone else effectively, or if it was because he wanted to assure Saren that his own mentee would not be getting the same treatment that Saren had given to Nihlus. It was most likely a bit of both. Nihlus was usually a confident guy, but Saren wouldn't have know that by looking at him now. He was waiting for anger or rejection, Saren knew that. He shook his head.

"I'm aware." he managed.

Nihlus seemed surprised as he looked back to Saren's face.

"Oh." he said with a renewed tone; confident.

"I wasn't briefed on who or when it'd start, but I know that you'll be taking on a protege."

"Oh."

Again his tone had changed; confidence gone.

"I'm guessing you'd like to discuss it." Saren pressed.

"Yeah..."

"Nihlus, don't be coy." he said. "I can't stand it. How do you expect to mentor someone if you can't speak freely to them?"

"It's not them that I can't speak in front of." Nihlus muttered.

Saren sighed and pushed away his thoughts or feelings of jealousy for the unnamed person that would be spending months on end with Nihlus for training.

"Talk to me." he said, softly.

He heard Nihlus' subharmonics betray him briefly before he cleared his throat.

"I'm training a woman. Her name is Shepard."

Whatever feelings of jealousy that Saren had previously pushed away about Nihlus having a new friend to bond with came raging back tenfold at the mention of his mentee being a woman. He suppressed his growl and bit off any sounds his subharmonics could make. Nihlus was young, by turian standards; he was good looking and had a bad boy reputation with charisma to boot. He was a striking individual for someone who had been shunned and pushed away from normal turian society. Saren had been proud to bring him under his wing. Doing so and living with him for so long had shown Saren Nihlus' more wild side at times though. He was a ladies' man, there was no doubt about it. So the fact that Nihlus was going to be sharing a ship, alone, with a woman for a year, made Saren's mandibles click in agitation.

Nihlus cleared his throat again at Saren's silence.

"She's human." Nihlus added.

That struck a nerve so deep within Saren he had hadn't know it was possible to hit. He growled now, glaring at the holo image that searched his eyes in return.

"A human has no place among the spectres." Saren spat out.

"Will you listen? Please?"

Saren heard the need in Nihlus' voice, and that alone made him bite down his anger for a moment to hear what his companion had to say.

"Yes." he hissed.

"She's young," Saren scoffed, but Nihlus just spoke over him. "but her service record is amazing. She has achieved a lot."

"Oh I'm sure." he grumbled.

"There's one more thing..."

"What?"

"She's been trained by one, Captain Anderson."

Saren froze, his eyes locked on Nihlus. That put the icing on the cake. He shook his head.

"I will _not _help you train-"

"Saren, hang on-"

"-a human that-"

"-just let me talk."

"-was trained by that petulant-"

"Saren..."

"-thick-skulled, undeserving-"

"Saren."

"-waste of a life-"

"Saren."

"-for a human captain!"

"Saren!"

"I won't!"

"If I was there-"

"Don't ask me, because I won't-"

"-I would shove you down and silence you with my tongue."

"-be involved with- ..." Saren blinked and searched Nihlus' face. He had only been half-listening to the man. "Wait... What?"

Nihlus smiled at him.

"I said, if I was there, I would shove you down and silence you with my tongue."

Saren had to look away from him. The younger turian knew exactly what would get him to stop talking, that was for sure. He had been a victim to that skilled tongue once before. Nihlus had gotten angry with Saren's constant nitpicking about everything, and he had shoved his mentor into the wall nearest them just to kiss him. Saren had immediately forgotten the reason he had been doing the nitpicking, and to this day he still couldn't remember what it was. Nihlus had distracted him well enough, and that tongue had danced on his neck in a rhythm that had Saren's knees about to buckle. The thought of Nihlus shoving him down onto his bed sparked a bit of longing and even more lust within Saren. He shook his head before he looked back to the young spectre.

Against his better judgement, he spoke way before his brain could catch up.

"What would you do then?" he asked.

Nihlus smirked at him, and he shifted.

"Do you really want to know?"

Saren bit back the sound of desire that threatened his subharmonics. He shook his head.

"What do you want my help with?" he asked, defeated.

"I just wanted an opinion."

"On what?"

"I wanted to ask about seeing you."

Saren lowered his brow in thought.

"Seeing me?"

"Yeah... I'm being sent to this planet. A human planet. Eden Prime."

"I've heard of it."

"It had a prothean artifact on it. We're meant to retrieve it. It's... This mission is huge. Not just for Shepard's spectre training either. I... I'm not sure that even I know what to do."

Saren heard the doubt trilling in Nihlus' subharmonics. He shook his head.

"You are a good agent, Nihlus." he said sternly. "Don't second guess yourself. If you're doubtful of yourself your mentee will be doubtful of you, and therefore themselves. You carry the weight of both yourself and your to-be spectre."

"Of course." Nihlus agreed. "I just... I don't know. I'm used to walking into hell with you, not by myself. It gets... lonely."

Saren hated that he had said that because it was exactly how he had been feeling too. One of many mutual feelings he was sure he had with the young turian.

"Keep your head up, Ni." he said softly.

Nihlus immediately rumbled at the nickname. He had always loved it, but Saren was convinced that it was because he used it so rarely. It broke the formal conversations they had, whether through omni tool or in person in front of people. Their relationship was hardly defined, and Saren immediately thought that he had no reason to be jealous of this Shepard, or any other woman, or man, that Nihlus saw fit to bring into his bed. They were not exclusive, they were not together by any means, and they certainly had never been involved. They had merely had moments of weakness with each other, kissing here, a make out session there, but that was because they couldn't have that release with others while confined to a ship for months. At least, that was what Saren told himself. So why was it so concerning when Nihlus mentioned that he was moving forward with another partner? Saren didn't know. Well. He did. He just didn't want to admit it.

He saw the way Nihlus jumped in the holo image, then shift to look behind him. He shook his head after a quiet moment, then looked back to Saren.

"I should go..." he said.

His tone was again different; regretful.

"Nihlus?"

"Yeah?"

"Be careful out there."

"You sure you don't want to come with me? Maybe mentor me with my mentoring?"

"I have full faith in you to get the job done."

"That means a lot, coming from you."

The sound on Nihlus' voice told Saren that he was touched. Saren gave him a nod.

"Good luck Nihlus."

"I'll be in touch. Soon."

"I'll be waiting."

There was a sound of passion on Nihlus' subharmonics before his holo image fuzzed and faded away. Saren sighed and dropped his arm. He shook his head at himself. It was going to be difficult to sleep now, if it hadn't been before. He honestly worried about Nihlus sometimes. It wasn't because he thought him incapable or even that Nihlus was a poor spectre. On the contrary, Nihlus was a very good spectre, one of the best. Saren simply worried because they had spent a year covering each other's backs, and now Saren had to sit back and let Nihlus work alone. It was maddening, to let go of control. It wasn't something he ever did. But he had let himself get wrapped up in the turian and he had let himself grow to care, and that had cost him in the end when Nihlus was ready to seek out his own missions and close his own cases.

Still, the case that Nihlus had mentioned laid ahead was intriguing to Saren in a way that normally wouldn't be. He thought about the prothean artifact that Nihlus had mentioned. It was important, certainly. With the race wiped out and many of their ruins too dangerously covered underground to investigate, it was an opportunity for the council to jump at the find of an artifact. That's when Saren had an idea. He could use that artifact. He tilted his head. For what?

_To help me._

Saren growled at the voice that rumbled throughout the ship. It was annoying, because the ship's AI had a mind of it's own and liked to talk regardless of Saren asking it a question. After a while, Saren had begun hearing the AI within his head, which he chalked up to his own insanity. Being alone with your own thoughts and not much else for company could get a bit... Unnerving. What aggravated him even more about it was the fact that it hadn't always been that way. He had preferred it this way, once. Before he took on mentoring for the spectres. He had never been in the habit of talking to himself or sitting deep in thought for so long that he heard himself talking in his head just because he was alone. Then Nihlus had come along, and then gone away again. Now, the silence was disturbing to him. It was strange.

Ever since his old ship had been grounded due to out-dated tech, he had been forced to reside on a new one. But he wouldn't accept just any ship from the council. He had found this one, dormant in space on one of his missions, and he had went back to it to salvage what tech it had. It was an odd ship, one that did not resemble any other he had seen before, nor knew of. But it was a ship that had such advanced tech that Saren hardly missed his old ship. Until the AI made itself know, anyways.

It called itself Sovereign.

It wasn't an unfriendly AI, in fact, it was very convincing when Saren was debating on whether or not to hand the ship over to the council. These things were illegal, and given the fact that it was an unchecked, unregistered model, it was extremely dangerous to trust. But Saren did, somehow, and he didn't say a word to the council about it. They simply accepted the fact that he had a ship to replace the old one, and he was still able to get his job done. That was that.

But the AI was getting a bit... Annoying, if that was the right term. He wasn't sure it was the exact description he was looking for. It was an odd thing. The AI talked to him and offered advice on his missions, when needed. It was something like a friend, or a team mate, but Saren would never admit that. Though, he didn't have to. The AI simply knew. And Saren was alright with that. It provided a break in the loneliness that had filled his days and months since Nihlus had left. He shook his head. Always back to him.

_Go to Eden Prime._

Saren snarled.

"Why would I do that?"

_The prothean device. We need it._

"The council is sending Nihlus, there's no need for me to go."

_It will help me._

"With what?" Saren asked, feeling the familiar hold of the AI on his mind.

_To open the way for more of my kind._

"What are you even talking about you pathetic AI?" Saren growled. "It is not my mission."

_I am not an AI._

Saren blinked, looking around the quiet cabin of his ship. He frowned.

"What are you then?"

_I have no name._

"I thought you said your name was Sovereign."

_It is a title, given to me by my own kind. You may think of it as a rank, such as your own spectre status._

"Your own kind?"

_I belong to an ancient race, one of machine, one without organics._

Saren lowered his brow.

"Do a virus check. I think you've got some faulty data."

_My data is not faulty. I tell you of myself, because you are the first to listen._

"I'm listening, but I'm still believing you need a virus scan."

_I can show you._

"Show me what?"

_Everything._

"Everything meaning what?" Saren asked, his patience wearing thin with the voice in his mind.

_Everything._

Saren got to his feet.

"Do a virus check." he ordered.

_I need your assistance._

"No you don't. You can clean yourself out."

_All I need is for you to take the upgrade I offer._

"Yes, this biotic upgrade, which I have never heard of in my life. My amp works just fine, Sovereign."

The name coming off of his tongue caused Saren to pause. It was strange, referring to the AI as if it was a living person. But it insisted, and he saw no problem with it. It wasn't alive, and that was all that mattered.

_Trust me._

That was going a bit far, even for the AI. Saren didn't trust anything other than himself and a very select few others in the entire galaxy. He felt the AI shift, as if it could sense his thoughts as the image of the dark plated turian flashed through his mind.

_He is a weakness._

"You think I don't know that?!" Saren snapped, looking up to the ceiling of his cabin, as if he would see someone up there.

_Go to Eden Prime. Be rid of him._

"I am not going all the way to Eden Prime just to seek him out and to..."

Saren wasn't sure what he'd even call it if he were to tell Nihlus to stay away from him. It wasn't a break up, they weren't together to even merit that. He shook his head and opened his mouth to speak before he heard Sovereign speak, but this time, it wasn't just inside of his head.

_Go to Eden Prime._

Saren growled.

"Why do you want to go so badly?! Why does that artifact peak such curiosity from you?!"

_Take my offer, and I will show you._

Saren looked over to his desk. He had made it a point to keep that little chip safe on his desk, in a small case so that it wouldn't be lost, because as much as he denied wanting an upgrade from a ship, he did think it useful. He didn't trust it, and he didn't know what type of upgrade it even was, but it would certainly be useful to his biotics if anything Sovereign said was something to go by. Which meant that Saren had to trust an AI's word above his own thoughts in order to accept the upgrade.

Without him consenting his feet to do so, they moved, walked towards it. His hands caressed it, inspected it, admired it. He let out a sigh. There was no way he'd be able to implant it into himself. He needed a doctor. And the nearest one was on Earth. He shook his head. There was no way he was going to Earth. He would not be touched by their doctors. No, he'd go somewhere that he was familiar with.

So he looked back up to the ceiling, at the walls around him and grumbled.

"Plot a course to the Citadel."

There was something about the way Sovereign had agreed to do so that made Saren lower his brow. He had heard an emotion in the voice. Happiness, if anything. It was unusual. He then agreed to himself that if he were to get within range of the Citadel docks, he wouldn't be able to dock. His ship was much too large, and it was not registered. He hadn't bothered with that bit quite yet; he rarely ever went to the Citadel anymore, he merely sent in his mission reports via extranet. He decided he'd take a shuttle when he was close enough to the docks. That would have to suffice.

He sat the chip back down, ensuring it was in it's case before he returned to his bed. The clock next to him now read 04:34. He may as well try to sleep. He found it slightly difficult to sleep fully though, as he had been ever since he'd taken up living on this particular ship.


	2. Chapter 2

It was difficult, watching the turian in front of him. Quite difficult. He had a hard time telling himself to leave, and an even harder part justifying the reason to stay. He watched as the dark turian unloaded a thermal clip on the targets ahead of him, watched as he activated his omni tool to overload the targets, saw the way he exhausted himself in the training room. Saren had no choice but to be impressed. Nihlus was a hell of a combatant. His solo skills were looking to be just as good.

Then the training sim had ended, and Nihlus put his gun back on his hip. Saren smirked. Nihlus had always preferred a good pistol. Saren was more of an assault rifle person, but that was only because using a grenade launcher as a first choice weapon wasn't always the best way to go. He watched closely as Nihlus made his way to the door. Once he rounded the corner, he froze. They stared at each other, taking in the sight of one another. Saren saw the way Nihlus' mandibles twitched. It made his do the same in return. After a long moment, Saren shifted, and Nihlus snapped his eyes from him.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

His subharmonics worked against his calm tone, that was certain. They told Saren of the happiness that Nihlus felt. Saren cleared his throat.

"You asked to see me." he stated.

"I thought we'd agreed that I didn't need help with my mission." Nihlus replied, folding his arms over his chest.

"You don't need help." Saren said.

"So... What? You're here to see me for... Other reasons?"

Saren's mandibles tightened to his face as he held back a smile. He would not cave to Nihlus' hints. Not here. Not in public, even if this training room was only available to spectres. He saw that smug grin on Nihlus' face and he rolled his eyes in return.

"If you don't want to talk, then I will take my leave." he said simply, walking past him to get to the door.

"I never said I didn't want to talk." Nihlus replied, walking with him. "I asked if you were here for other reasons."

"I am here because I have business on the Citadel and got word you were here as well. I thought you'd be a bit heartbroken if I'd been here and not said hi."

"Like a kicked Varren." Nihlus agreed.

They walked down the presidium hall together, both of them taking in their surroundings as if they were new.

"When are you starting your mentor business?" Saren asked.

"Tomorrow."

"Have you already met your subject?"

"Yeah. I met her this morning."

"And?"

Nihlus glanced over at Saren, who refused to look back at him.

"She's... Human?"

"I'm aware, we've already discussed that." Saren snarled.

"What else do you want to know, Saren?"

"Is she one of the types that you look at and immediately want to take to bed?"

Nihlus stopped, and so did Saren. He looked at him with a stern look but Nihlus shook his head.

"That's not fair, Saren."

Saren glanced around, but shook his head at the dark turian. His tone had been quiet, but his subharmonics told Saren that he was hurt by the question. Saren sighed.

"This is not a discussion for here."

"Then how about you take me to your new ship? I've got nothing better to do."

"Do not put me on the bottom of your to do list-"

"Oh, stop it."

Saren was surprised at the tone of annoyance in Nihlus' voice. He had never taken that tone with him before, or rather, to that extent. Saren knew he was being distant, and he knew Nihlus hated it. He shrugged.

"Fine."

"I meant that I hadn't seen your ship yet." Nihlus said. "I'd like to, if you have time."

"I'm a spectre, I make my own schedule."

That smug looking grin was back on Nihlus' face in no time. He nodded, and they proceeded to walk along the presidium.

* * *

><p>"This is it."<p>

Nihlus and Saren looked around at the hold of the large ship in silence before Nihlus looked over to him.

"It's quiet."

"I know."

"I don't even hear the engine."

"I know." he repeated.

Nihlus shrugged and took a few steps forward. Saren watched him closely.

"It has an interesting floor plan."

"This is just the hold."

"Then show me the rest."

Saren led the other turian around his ship. He showed him the controls, the core of the ship. He showed him the engines, let him inspect things, let him explore. Nihlus seemed very interested in the whole thing, but then again, he had always had a knack for technology.

"That's pretty much it." Saren said, looking around at the cockpit as Nihlus scanned his eyes over everything.

"What kind of VI model do you have in this thing?" he asked.

Saren cleared his throat and shook his head.

"It's an AI, actually."

Nihlus simply gave a nod before he looked over to him.

"I'm guessing that's why it's not registered yet."

"Precisely."

Nihlus didn't take his eyes from him. Saren shifted.

"Where do you sleep?" he asked.

Saren glanced towards the hall.

"My room."

"You haven't shown me that yet."

"I didn't think it needed showing."

"I can show myself, if you're content on staying here."

Nihlus turned and started walking down the hall without him. Saren sighed and followed, slowly, as if not wanting to do so in the first place. Nihlus rounded the corner, and Saren felt the familiar headache twinge within his skull. He growled.

_He is a weakness._

Saren blocked out the voice as much as he could.

"You're a pain." he growled lowly to himself.

"I heard that." Nihlus called.

"Not you." Saren snarled.

"Uh huh." Saren hurried his feet to reach the other turian, who was standing in the middle of his cabin, his arms folded over his chest, his eyes scanning the surroundings. He gave Saren a nod of approval. "It's a lot bigger than the last one."

"I'm aware." Saren replied, glancing around at the cabin as if he'd never taken in the sight of it before now.

"Do you remember your old cabin?"

"Of course I do."

"Remember those cold nights?"

Saren refused to look over at Nihlus. The mention of those nights just proved that they weren't fantasies that Saren had cooked up with his own imagination. On occasion, Saren's old ship had a tendency to not stay that warm during the night. Especially when they were already docked on an iceland of a planet out in the systems. It happened often, and when it did, Saren would tell Nihlus to sleep in his room, rather than to sleep in his own. It was a tact to keep warm, at first. Until the night that they both had turned at the same time and found their faces inches from each others. Out of what Saren thought was instinct, he had kissed the younger turian, and Nihlus, instead of shoving him away, had kissed him right back. That was how everything had started between them. Laying together for warmth, a pale hand on a dark hip, a dark hand on a pale shoulder, and two sets of hard lips locked together in what was, at the time, desire.

Then it had started progressing. Legs touched, then grew to be intertwined. Lips touched, then opened for tongues to taste. Arms laid across opposite bodies, then shifted so that hands could touch soft skin and smooth plates. Desire turned into something that Saren had readily been shying away from and lashing out at Nihlus had been his way of pushing away whatever was building between them, for a time. Their relationship, or whatever it was called, was confusing to Saren, but it was, at the same time, something that needed no explanation. Nihlus was more than willing to exchange body heat at night, but Saren was reluctant, and that, was the only thing that had kept them from taking it further. Now, it was different. The only thing stopping them right now was Saren's stubbornness. He knew exactly what he felt for the turian who stared at him, waiting for a response. He just wouldn't say it.

_He is a weakness._

It was true. Nihlus made him weak, but he wasn't rightly complaining about it either. He looked over at him, taking in his appearance, admiring the white paint on his face, and the striking green eyes that saw right through all of his bullshit. He sighed.

"Yes." he said finally.

"Do you remember the first time you kissed me?"

Saren had to look away from him again. A wave of heat was growing along his neck.

"Yes."

"Don't be so shy." Nihlus teased, taking a step toward him. "I was just wondering if you remembered."

"Why do I need to?"

Nihlus stopped his advance and searched Saren's face for an explanation. Saren hadn't meant to make the question sound so harsh, but he honestly was wondering why he needed to be reminded of those cold but heated nights when he would touch Nihlus and Nihlus would touch him and they would lose themselves for a time until Nihlus would try to take it further and Saren would say no and they'd sleep instead. Why did he need to be reminded of that? To torture himself with the thought of what Nihlus wanted to do to him? He scoffed to himself. Nihlus let out a small laugh.

"I suppose it's been a while." he said with a shrug. "I just wanted to know."

"Know what?"

"If you've been alright. If you've been taking care of yourself, if you'd had some companions after I had to leave."

Saren narrowed his eyes and looked up at the man.

"I'm fine. I do not need companions, I work better on my own. Define taking care of myself."

"Everyone needs a companion, Saren. And I meant sleeping, eating, actually taking care of yourself."

"I am taking care of myself just fine. And I have a companion, thank you."

Nihlus seemed put off by the statement, and he recoiled slightly.

"Well..." he said, hesitating. "Good."

Saren could tell that he had taken that statement the wrong way.

"By companion, I mean you, idiot."

Nihlus gave him a grin, but he still seemed put off.

"I just want to know how you are, I'm not here constantly anymore."

"I'm aware that you aren't here, this is the first we've seen each other in what? Four months?"

"Almost five." Nihlus corrected.

Saren took a step toward him and took note of the way he straightened up.

"I'm fine." he managed.

"Alright." Nihlus agreed. "I'll drop it."

"And you? How many new companions do you have these days?" Saren regretted the question and the way he worded it as soon as he had said it. Nihlus' subharmonics did all of the talking that his mouth failed to. He was hurt, but not surprised. Saren hated that. "I'm sorry."

"Why are you convinced that I'm all over the place?" Nihlus asked quietly.

Saren sighed, then shook his head.

"I don't know."

"I think you almost expect me to be. You expect me to give up and go for someone else."

"Give up?" Saren questioned with a snarl.

"Don't act like those nights between us didn't happen."

"We did what we had to do to stay warm when my old ship wouldn't run properly."

Nihlus took a step forward and grabbed Saren's hand. He gently placed it on his hip and Saren stiffened.

"You had to touch me and kiss me to stay warm?" he whispered.

Saren reached forward, his hand meeting Nihlus' neck to pull him closer. Their lips touched. Saren felt Nihlus tremble lightly. He pulled away and found those green eyes again.

"No."

"Spirits, I've missed that." Nihlus breathed.

Saren touched his forehead to Nihlus' and let out a rumble.

"I know."

"Can I stay here tonight?" Nihlus asked. "Or do I have to stay in a hotel room alone?"

Saren smiled, then pulled away from the turian and shook his head.

"Please stay."

"Hopefully it gets cold tonight." Nihlus snickered.

"It won't."

Saren heard Nihlus laugh as he leaned in to kiss him again. It was a heated one that held more desire than the previous. Saren felt a hand on his face, a thumb stroking the spine that jutted from his cheek. He tasted Nihlus' tongue on his. He reveled in the warmth. It had been far too long since they had last touched like this. Even when they saw each other last, they hadn't touched. It had been a brief visit with each other, as they were both passing through the Citadel, on their own missions for the council. No, Saren hadn't kissed Nihlus like this in nearly a year. It had been way too long. Nihlus' subharmonics told him so.

Saren moved forward, backing Nihlus up to the bed. Nihlus did exactly what he was encouraged to. He broke their kiss and sat down after his legs brushed against the mattress. Saren looked down at him, wondering what to do, if he should proceed or if he should tell the other turian to forget it. How could he though? He had already told him to stay, and he wanted him to. So he eagerly pushed any other thoughts away from his mind and instead settled on that one; he did not want Nihlus to leave. And Nihlus didn't want to leave. He was more than alright with staying right where he was. His subharmonics told Saren that too. But he still wasn't sure about all of it. It was an area of sex that he had certainly never taken part in. He had a good idea about where Nihlus was wanting to go with this, which only made Saren nervous.

Nihlus apparently knew what was going on in Saren's head, because he let out a trill of comforting subharmonics. Then he put his hands on Saren's hips. He stiffened.

"Trust me?" Nihlus asked.

"You know that I do."

"Then sit down with me at least."

"Fine."

Saren reluctantly sat beside the younger turian, who kept his eyes on him the whole time.

"I don't think I've ever seen you so tense." he teased. "Except maybe that time on Lova."

Saren let out a sigh.

"That was an extremely challenging mission made even worse by a juvenille that wanted to overuse his new tool upgrade."

Nihlus laughed lightly.

"It was an amazing upgrade. I was hitting those mercs left and right-"

"You were overloading canisters not five feet from me without any care for whether or not they hit me."

"We got the job done."

"After a waste of precious time, and having to hack your tool to render it useless."

"Dick."

"We would have been in there for days otherwise."

"You exaggerate too much."

Saren shook his head and reached out to put his hand on the back of Nihlus' neck.

"Silence." he hissed before he pressed his lips to Nihlus'.

Saren felt a hand on the side of his neck, tips of talons lightly touching the bottom of his mandible. Nihlus rumbled at him. It was certainly pleasing to Saren to hear the sound coming from him. It was one of affection, of emotion. Love. It made Saren pull away from the other turian. Nihlus opened his eyes, looking at him curiously.

"What?" he asked quietly.

"Why are we doing this?" Saren asked after clearing his throat.

Nihlus tilted his head.

"What do you mean?"

"It's a pretty straight forward question."

"I..." Nihlus shifted, pulled away from him. Saren noticed how he dropped his hand from it's place on his pale neck. "I know why I am... Why are you?"

Saren let out a small sigh.

"You know why I am."

"Then why are you asking?"

Saren shook his head.

"Never mind... I'm just... Stalling, I think." Nihlus laughed, shook his head, then pushed Saren down to his back. Saren put a hand up and shook his head. Nihlus paused. "Switch."

Nihlus grinned and gave a nod, then laid beside him.

"Fine by me."

"You've dealt with this sort of thing, have you?"

Nihlus snickered.

"I've dabbled."

Saren simply shook his head. He rolled himself on top of the dark turian, his hand seeking a hip. Nihlus grinned.

"I don't want to know." Saren said sternly.

"None of it meant anything."

Saren licked his neck in a slow motion. Nihlus let out a sigh as Saren nipped at his flesh.

"It better tonight." he growled.

"You know it will."

Nihlus held his hands on the spurs of Saren's hips. He pulled them against his, two separate rumbles mixing into one as a result. Saren sighed after pulling from Nihlus' lips again. He dipped a finger into the top of his pants and Nihlus gave him that grin again.

"Take these off." Saren said.

"You too." Nihlus breathed, doing the same to the top of his pants.

They both took time to remove their clothes. A shirt was tossed to the side, then another. A pair of pants, then another. Then they were looking at each other, taking in the appearance of each other for the first time in what felt like years to Saren. And Nihlus was just as striking to him as he had ever been. He reached his pale fingers out towards his dark arms and pulled him closer. Saren was on top of him again in no time. Nihlus grabbed his pale hips again and when their plates ground together they both let out moans that filled the room generously.

It had been some time for Saren since he had indulged in things such as sex. He found it to be a very distracting act when he was on a mission. Much like drinking. Or bars. Or anything that Nihlus found fun in his down time. It drove Saren crazy, to be honest, that Nihlus had to partake in such things when he was in between missions. It often caused tension between the two. But then those cold nights always forced them to get over it and they gladly forgot whatever issue they were arguing about when they settled into bed together to keep warm.

Still, even the memories of keeping warm next to the dark turian wouldn't ease his mind enough to truly relax in the moment at hand. And Nihlus seemed to know that. His dark hands stroked the pale skin on Saren's neck as their lips worked against each other. A light, comforting purr came from Nihlus, and Saren had to admit that it was doing it's job. The sound he made alone caused Saren to forget his worries. He would never admit his struggle to Nihlus and he certainly would never admit that the turian could do such things to him, but he wouldn't deny it to himself. He knew what the younger man did to him. He had known it for some time. But that didn't matter right now. All that mattered right now was the man that laid underneath of him.

So he put a hand on Nihlus' hip and pushed against him. Again they let out groans together, and Saren held onto the sound he had made. It was pleasing to his ears. One of Nihlus' hands left Saren's neck and found his hip instead. His touch was light and gentle, as if asking for permission or to ensure that Saren was alright with everything. Nihlus usually had a good sense of what Saren was thinking. He could usually pinpoint Saren's emotions or reasoning behind his actions. He had gotten good at it, and apparently spending a year without each other didn't hamper Nihlus' abilities to continue to read Saren like an open book. Saren had never really thought himself to wear his emotions, but Nihlus was smart and he gave off enough bullshit to see through Saren's. Or so Saren believed, anyway.

Nihlus' hand wandered further after the absence of an objection from Saren. He stiffened slightly but found that Nihlus' touch on his pubic plates was just as gentle and curious as it had been before. He pulled his lips from Saren's to lick at his neck instead. Saren sighed and felt his plating shifting. Nihlus wrapped his hand around the hard member carefully. He touched him as if he never had before and it made Saren's head spin. He growled lightly.

"Are you intending to toy with me?"

"No." Nihlus breathed. "Do you want me to?"

"No." Saren replied as he thrust into his hand.

Nihlus groaned at the sheer strength Saren threatened to show. It made his blood burn, made his heart speed up. Being underneath of the pale turian was so exciting to him. It was wrong, to be that excited for one person. And of course what made it worse was the fact that they had been in this position before. They'd touched, they'd kissed, they'd gotten to the point where they had to make a choice between having each other for the night or not at all. They'd known that one was hot for the other for some time. Yet this somehow felt different. At least to him it did. So he touched Saren differently than he had before. He wasn't hasty, he wasn't going to rush through any of it simply because he had desire burning through him. He would take his time. But Saren didn't seem to want that.

Nihlus looked up at him and their eyes locked. He saw the need there, but it wasn't the type of need he had expected to see. It was the kind of look that you gave to someone when you needed them in your arms and in your life. In your heart. Saren was trying to block that out, but Nihlus saw it regardless. He wouldn't let him rush through this simply because he wished to block out emotion. Nihlus let go of him then and put his hands on his pale shoulder. He rolled him over to his back, and reluctantly, Saren went.

He had to let himself relax. He had to allow himself to trust Nihlus, even if there hadn't been a lack of trust in his mind. Nihlus nuzzled his forehead and continued his purr. The sound told Saren that it was alright to let go of the control he always had to have, to relax and enjoy the evening. And Saren did just that. He wrapped his arms around Nihlus' waist and pulled him close. Nihlus had his hand on Saren's length again, slowly pumping up, then down. He felt his body relaxing with each stroke. His stomach burned and his heart pounded in his chest, but he was relaxed. Nihlus ran his tongue over Saren's, mandible. It was a slow motion. Saren tilted his head away to give Nihlus more access, and it made him rumble again. Saren wasn't prepared for Nihlus' fingers, and he tensed when he pushed one into him. He let his head fall back with a sigh. Nihlus rumbled once again. His subharmonics asked if he was alright, but confessed to what it did to him to see Saren being so submissive.

Saren brought a hand down to touch Nihlus' throbbing length. The younger turian let out a strained breath. And for a short moment, they just enjoyed that. Nihlus' finger moving in and out, Saren's hand moving up and down, their lips passionately locked together. It was more than what it had ever been before. And that was perfect to Saren. He wanted to tell him this, but he knew he wouldn't be able to. But where he lacked tact enough to speak, he could make up for in showing the man exactly how he felt. He could show him what this all meant to him. Show him that this indeed would mean _something._ So he rolled Nihlus to his back again and their hands stopped their work to find a place in their new position. Saren pressed a hand into the bed as he grabbed his length and adjusted it's position. He watched Nihlus' face as he pressed into him.

The brilliant green eyes were hidden from him now, as Nihlus had shut them lightly. A sigh escaped his lips. Saren closed his own eyes after a moment of moving his hips to meet Nihlus' eagerly. He felt a taloned hand gripping his forearm tightly, the other on Saren's hip. He moaned, and he moved underneath of him, but Saren couldn't help the feeling that Nihlus was bothered. Saren nuzzled his forehead to his and rumbled at him. He brought his hand up to his neck and pulled him closer for another kiss. Nihlus' legs moved, and Saren felt them bend up on either side of him. Nihlus shifted and Saren slid deeper into him. They let out mutual moans and Nihlus relaxed under him after that. Saren felt a hand on his lower back, pulling him close. Needing him close.

Nihlus was a bit overwhelmed underneath Saren at first. He had imagined how this would go plenty of times before. He'd sated his own needs with his hand at the imagination of this, but this was so different. He had never imagined this to be light and easy. He had imagined it to be quick and maybe even rough. Saren was surprisingly gentle and whether he knew it or not, his subharmonics told Nihlus that this went far beyond physical need for one another. Their union had been a long time coming, and though Nihlus had pictured it happening differently than it was didn't mean he was disappointed. No, this was definitely what he wanted, if he was choosing between this and a quick romp. It was just emotionally overwhelming. But if Saren could do this without difficulty, then so could he. So they moved together, slowly, easily, and without any resistance from the other. Nihlus purred at him, and Saren rumbled in return. Nihlus looked up at him and saw that Saren's icy blue eyes were shut. Pleasure was taking over his features and Nihlus could see that. He licked at his pale neck slowly, working a tremor out of him before opening his mouth and clamping down on his flesh.

Sharp teeth were piercing into Saren's neck. Nihlus growled after a moment, and Saren guessed that he could taste blood. It made Saren push into him harder. He wouldn't be able to hide that mark, and it would likely raise a brow or two when he went in for his appointment tomorrow, but he was too far gone to care. The pleasure was taking over, and he continued to drive into the turian beneath him. Harder, faster. Nihlus finally let go of his neck and let out a groan. Saren trailed his tongue up his throat to take in the taste of him. Nihlus trembled.

"More, Saren." he breathed.

Saren gave in to the man's wishes. He moved faster, drawing out quicker moans from Nihlus' mouth. He had to resist the urge to bite him in return, but Nihlus seemed to be wanting it. He had his head turned to the side against the pillow he lay on, as if inviting Saren to bite at the flesh there. Saren grumbled.

"Don't."

"Please."

Saren shivered, his length throbbing within Nihlus as he begged. He had never heard such a tone come from Nihlus. He wanted to hear it again.

"What was that?"

"Please Saren."

"You want me to mark you?"

"Please."

Above all of the desire and lust in Nihlus' voice, there was passion too, and Saren told himself to stop toying with him. It wasn't fair and he certainly wouldn't enjoy it if Nihlus had made him beg for it. It was a sentimental act and it was one that wasn't to be taken lightly. Marking a mate as yours was a bit of a commitment, and Nihlus knew that. So Saren saw no problem in the act if Nihlus wanted it so badly. He certainly wasn't about to look for another mate after the night was over. So he clamped his jaw on Nihlus' neck, and pierced his skin carefully. Nihlus shook underneath him. Saren held him closely, growling in response to the metallic taste in his mouth. Nihlus dug at his back then, and Saren jerked against him. There was a few quick, hard thrusts between them. Saren felt his member tightening. He was at his peak. He let go of Nihlus' neck, and pounded into him harder. Nihlus threw his head back, and he moaned loudly. Saren was a great deal more quiet than Nihlus was, but he didn't mind the noise the dark turian made. He twitched within him, spilling his release as he licked at Nihlus' bleeding wound. Nihlus did the same to his neck as they panted and came down from their highs.

Their tongues were slow. Careful. Being sure to treat each other with care and affection, rather than simply rolling away from each other and calling it a night. Saren's hand idly stroked Nihlus' fringe, which earned him a soft rumble from the man. Nihlus gently rubbed at the small marks on his back. The moment was bliss and Saren didn't think he'd ever achieve this kind of peace with anyone again. But he was sure that this wouldn't be the only time they united like this. It couldn't be. Not after marking each other. Not after everything they'd been through. No, this wouldn't be the last time.

But there was still such sadness in Nihlus' eyes when he looked up at him. Saren nuzzled against him, his subharmonics questioning the troubled look.

"I don't want to leave tomorrow."

Saren couldn't help the light smile that caused his mandibles to flare out.

"Tell me about it." he whispered.

They let out a mutual sigh as Saren left him and rolled over to lay beside him. Nihlus stretched out his legs before he looked over to the pale turian.

"That... Wasn't the only time this would happen... Was it?" he asked.

Saren looked over at him. He heard the very faint tone of defeat that Nihlus used. It made him lower his brow in irritation.

"You asked me to mark you."

"Yeah." Nihlus said. "But... I don't know."

Saren had to smile then. Nihlus was a complicated person, when you really got to know him. But for as well as he could read Saren, Saren was just as good at reading him. He was conflicted, Saren could see that much, but about what, he wasn't sure. About them, of course. But what part of them, he could not say.

"What?" he questioned.

"We'd never really agreed on a relationship." Nihlus replied with a shrug.

Saren shook his head. Nihlus was looking for validation. He was looking for a definite promise of some sort of unity between them. Which wouldn't have been such a big deal for Saren had they not just made love like they had.

"I didn't think that needed to be expressed after what just happened."

"I guess it didn't. But I don't like to assume."

"We have never had a name for what happens between us, why would we need one now? We do not need a verbal explanation for sex. We know what the other feels. Do we not?"

Nihlus nodded.

"We do."

"Then why are you doubting me?"

"I'm not."

Saren watched as Nihlus moved closer to him. He pressed his lips to Saren's, then gave him a smile.

"Doubting yourself then?" Saren questioned. His smile faltered and Saren gently put a hand on his cheek. "Please don't."

"Habit."

"I didn't object to you marking me. Don't assume I am going to forget about this so easily."

"Maybe not forget so much as deny."

"I do not deny what I feel for you. Or being your mate."

Nihlus laid his head down then, seeming to be more at peace.

"Good."

Saren shook his head slightly as they both eased into a comfortable position with each other and relaxed into the bed. Saren knew that Nihlus had dozed off rather quickly, which he was fine with, had he not been dealing with the annoyance of the damned AI trying to interrupt his peaceful thoughts. Sovereign didn't have much to say, other than telling Saren that Nihlus was nothing but a weakness and a distraction from his goals. But as the voice in his head went on and on, all he could do was smile like an idiot and agree with it. Nihlus was indeed a weakness and a huge distraction. But he would never be able to get rid of him. Not for the sake of a job. Maybe he could have at one point, but not now.

And he was alright with that.


	3. Chapter 3

It was a hard goodbye the following morning. Of course, the morning itself hadn't started off badly. On the contrary, there was another good session between the two turians before Saren told Nihlus he had business to tend to. Nihlus was already late for a meeting with the councilor, to whom he had made the excuse of over sleeping due to the work load the council gives him. The turian councilor had simply scoffed at him and told him to get to his office asap, and Nihlus had agreed lazily. Saren hadn't been late for his appointment at first, but the younger turian had started suggestively asking for another bout, and Saren, knowing they wouldn't be seeing each other for some time, could not refuse him. That had made him late. And the shower that followed, which Nihlus insisted on being a part of, had made him very late. But spirits be damned if Saren cared when he walked into the private clinic and met with the shady-looking doctor there. The salarian was disapproving of the forty-five minute delay, but Saren simply growled at him to hurry up and get on with the implant. The doctor was reluctant with the technology at first, claiming he didn't understand why the biotic chip had to go inside Saren, but he insisted and told the salarian that if he didn't want his private little practice exposed, he would do the procedure without further questions. The doctor had agreed wordlessly, and they got on with their procedure as planned.

When he woke, he was in a fair bit of pain and that irritated him. He looked around carefully, picking up the presence of another being in the room. His instinct had been right, and his eyes landed on an asari that sat in a chair in his hospital room, waiting for him to wake. He growled defensively.

"Who are you?"

"Saren Arterius, I am Matriarch Benezia."

"Is that supposed to mean something to me?"

"It will, should you shut your lips long enough to listen." Saren scowled at her as she stood. She walked over to him slowly, carefully approaching him. She stood tall. Confidently. Saren knew she was an asari worthy of respect to her people, but he had no intention of showing her unearned trust. He gave her an unpleasant look as he listened to her. "I know your implant was not one of biotics."

Saren frowned.

"What?"

"Your implant was not a biotic upgrade."

"What are you talking about?"

"I won't say it again."

Saren growled at her again.

"Are you a doctor?"

"No-"

"Then get out of here."

"They brought me here to inspect your implant before putting it in."

"Then what kind of implant was it?"

"It's a core implant for mechanical upgrades. I understand you are trying to unify yourself with your ship."

Saren wasn't typically one for openly showing when he was surprised or confused or didn't understand what was going on, but he couldn't help it now. He let her words sink in, replayed them, mauled them over. She didn't make any sense.

"What?"

"Your reaper. Sovereign."

"What the hell is a reaper?"

The matriarch narrowed her eyes at him.

"You mean to say that you didn't know what it was?"

"My ship? No. Sovereign is my ship's artificial intelligence, nothing more."

Benezia opened her tool, then transferred information to his own. He found it painful to lift his arm up, and he noticed just how weak his body felt. It was strange.

"Here. Reading material for the next three days that you'll be resting up."

"What?"

"I have a proposition for you, and your problem. Your reaper has a purpose. And I have every intention of surviving it's would-be future for our galaxy."

"You don't make any sense to me."

"Read. I will be back to check on you later."

Saren watched as the asari turned away and out the door.

That was how his relationship with the matriarch started. He had read the material she had given him and it had certainly made sense to him now why the damned AI was trying to get him to go to Eden Prime for that prothean device. A race of sentient machines were coming to wipe out all life in the galaxy. It was a hard pill to swallow. And Saren had single handedly opened the door for them. At least, he made it possible to let them in. By trusting the damn ship and putting in the damn implant, he had indirectly agreed to what the reaper wanted him to do. But Benezia's plan was a sound one, once he heard it. She wanted to use the geth as a weapon, to fight off the machines with machines, and to survive without bloodshed of organic life. While Saren didn't care about preserving the lives of soldiers who were meant to fight threats like this, he did find the geth to be a sound ally. And she had already gathered several units for their cause. It had been some time since he had seen a working geth, and it was certainly odd to think that they would all be traveling together, but he wasn't going to complain. He simply wanted to figure out how to stop the reapers. His first chore was to get the implant out of him, which the doctor, who's name he found out was Saleon, promised to do the following morning. Saren needed rest before another operation.

But sleep wasn't so easy tonight. He figured it was because of the amount of good sleep he had gotten the previous night. He already missed his companion. His mate. But Nihlus had left three hours prior. He had sent a message before leaving the Citadel. Saren hadn't replied yet, but he was thankful for the message. He wasn't worried about Nihlus. He would make a fine mentor for his spectre to-be, even if Saren detested the woman herself. It didn't change that Nihlus was going to be a good teacher. Saren closed his eyes and shifted in the bed as his thoughts on Nihlus drifted further.

_He is your weakness._

Saren rolled his eyes at the voice in his head.

"Yeah yeah."

_You will eliminate this weakness._

Saren shook his head.

"I won't touch him."

_You must._

What was most disturbing about that was the fact that Saren found himself having to think it over. He wasn't appalled, he simply let the thought ride out in his mind. He enjoyed Nihlus' time, and he loved him, why would he kill him? Because a ship told him to? If the race of reapers was so smart they would know that. But of course they wouldn't understand that. Saren felt the need to make Sovereign understand that. Saren felt the need to make Sovereign understand that Nihlus wouldn't get in the way of him doing his job.

"He's not an issue."

_He is your weakness._

Saren shook his head again. Sovereign couldn't understand what it was like to have an emotional connection with someone. It couldn't.

_Imagine what power you would feel if you put your hand around his throat._

Saren scowled again. Of course that would be exciting. Things getting heated between him and Nihlus was an exciting thought. But power? No. He wouldn't exactly feel power.

_Imagine the power you'd have over his life._

Saren saw the point in that statement. But he had had Nihlus' life in his hands several times during his spectre training and power wasn't what he felt. Responsibility, and trust, maybe.

"Talk all you want." he said as he closed his eyes. "I'm not killing my mate."

* * *

><p>Saren found it impossible to open his eyes the next morning. Absolutely impossible. There was a dark fog clouding his mind, and all he could hear were whispers. Voices he didn't recognize, all very coded and generic, except for one. Sovereign whispered lightly until Saren was conscious again and then, it nearly screamed. Saren shook. He was unable to speak, unable to move his limbs. They were weak.<p>

What is this?!

_Your upgrade is integrating into your body._

The doctor will fix it later.

_It does not matter now. We are in control._

You will not control me, creature.

_With these upgrades, you will be turned, slowly, into one of us. Into a machine. And you will be spared from the cleansing of this life's cycle._

Spared?

_Yes. Spared._

What... But... What about...

_He can be spared too._

He can?

_You must keep this upgrade to spare him. You must help us. You must listen to us._

I'll... I'll do anything... Just... Spare him. If anyone, spare him.

_He will need upgrades._

He's a good soldier as he is-

_That is not acceptable. He needs the necessary implants._

But he's... He's long gone by now.

_He's gone to Eden Prime._

Then... I should... I should go. I need... To get to him. I need to save him...

_Yes. You need to save him._

I need to save him.

Saren felt, for the first time in he didn't know how long, a large wave of panic run through him. It was a sort of panic he had never felt before. It was one without any real reason, without provocation, without any grasp of realism at all. He was suddenly aware that his limbs were thrashing, that he was again mobile. His eyes flew open. He took in the sight of the salarian doctor and the matriarch monitoring him. He was up and out of the bed quickly, swaying slightly, hearing the protests of the other two in the room. He growled, a low warning to tell them to keep their hands off of him.

"Saren, take it easy-"

"I need to save him." he muttered, looking around quickly.

"Saren? Save who?"

"I need to save him. I... Need to save him."

He was looking for the door to the room, but he was so disoriented that he wasn't able to focus his eyes on much. He wasn't even sure about who was talking to him. The only thing he knew was that he had to get to Nihlus, and the urge to get to him was too powerful to ignore. He felt gentle hands on his shoulder and he looked over. The asari gave him a small look of concern.

"Saren, lie down."

"I have to save him."

"Save who, Saren?"

"Nihlus." Benezia pushed on his shoulder and made him lay back down. He was fairly sure her biotics were helping her work against him. He couldn't feel them though. He couldn't feel anything but the cool pillow under his head when he laid all the way down. "I have to save Nihlus."

"Rest, Saren. You're not well."

Saren closed his eyes as he lost consciousness.

When he woke the next time, Saren immediately felt the dryness in his throat. He attempted to rid the feeling by clearing his throat, but it didn't help. He felt someone sit down next to him on the bed after a moment and he chanced a peak at the person in question. It hurt to open his eyes. He blinked the sting from them as best as he could before he looked over to the matriarch again.

"What happened?" he croaked.

"The implant has had some... Negative effects on you." Benezia replied.

"Like what?"

"You've been out for eight days."

Saren stared at her for a long moment. She had to be lying.

"How is it you have kept me alive?" he asked in an irritable tone. "There's no way-"

"Do you not remember me giving you the water?"

Saren shook his head lightly, then stopped. A faint memory of her surfaced in his mind's eye, helping him drink, telling him to stay in bed, encouraging him to rest. He shook his head again.

"No. I don't." he said.

"I suppose I didn't expect that you were in your right mind."

"How long ago was that?"

"Yesterday. I've been giving you water everyday."

"I... Has my tool went off?"

"Yes. A few times." Benezia confirmed. "I assume the council is trying to reach you."

"Safe assumption."

"Are you feeling better?"

"I feel... Different..."

"How so?"

"I hear..." Saren shook his head. He would not tell her of the voices that echoed in his mind. She didn't need to know that. "I just feel strange. Weak."

"You were talking in your sleep."

Saren refrained from rolling his eyes.

"Oh?" he said with a dry tone.

"About the reapers. About Sovereign. Your friend, Nihlus."

Saren narrowed his eyes.

"What do you know of Nihlus?"

"I know that you trained him for his spectre status. I know he is good at what he does." Saren let out a slight hum, giving her a nod. He sat up slowly, letting out a grunt as he did so. His head felt heavy. "He means a great deal to you, then?"

Saren looked over at her again.

"Is it your job to know my business?" he snarled.

Benezia simply raised a brow at him and got to her feet again.

"I have successfully gained a number of geth units to aid us in this path you have opened up. Perhaps your friend would be willing to help too." she said as she walked towards the door.

"No." Saren snapped. "He will not."

"He would be a-"

"No."

Benezia turned back to him with a bit of a scowl. Saren gave her a scowl of his own.

"You will need to let go of the things you want to be successful in our endeavors."

"Do not treat me like a child." he growled. "I can handle myself."

"Very well."

She turned away then, and disappeared through the doorway of the hospital. Saren looked around idly, feeling his annoyance leave him, if only in the slightest way. He decided he should look at the unread messages that had his omni tool blinking repeatedly. So he opened the tool and looked down, scrolling through the messages slowly. There was one formal message from the council, telling him they had tried to reach him at his private terminal, but that he hadn't answered, and they wished to get in touch with him about his next assignment. Two were from councilor Sparatus, asking where he was and a reason for his lack of response to the council. The last was from Nihlus. Saren felt no desire to ignore the message this time. He would read, and he would respond, because he honestly wasn't sure when he would get another chance. He let out a long sigh, then opened the message.

_Hey. It's me._

_I guess you would know that already, huh? Ah. Anyways, we're almost to Shera. It's a depot, kind of a half way stop to Eden Prime. We'll be staying there for a day. We've been on this ship for days. I'm not used to having a full crew with me. It's... I don't know. Annoying. I think you've rubbed off on me too much... But I guess that isn't exactly a bad thing... Never mind. That's not something to talk about here... I guess. Right? I don't know._

_I know that you don't really care for the situation, but I think you'd like Shepard. She's different than what I expected. She's not as racist and suspicious as most of the crew here. They don't like having me on board... The reason that I'm here isn't exactly public knowledge yet. I don't really care for the secretive way of training someone. I liked our way of doing it. One-on-one, handling assignments. I guess not everything can be like that. Of course there were things exclusive to my training with you... But we won't talk about that. Sorry._

_I don't know why I'm sending you this. Maybe I'm fishing for things, I don't know. You didn't respond to the other message I sent. Maybe that's your way of telling me to stop talking so much. That's something you would say... Spirits, if I should have learned anything from you, it should have been silence._

_I'm shutting up now. I'm not sure how I haven't already, with my foot in my mouth._

_Keep out of too much trouble, will you? At least until I'm with you again._

_-N_

Saren had to have read the message at least five times. He heard Nihlus' voice, he could see his face and every mannerism that he would have used. It was difficult. All of it was. To picture Nihlus, of all people, segregated on that human ship, hated for his very race. Of course, Nihlus was no stranger to being an outcast, with his history in the turian military, but that didn't make it any easier for Saren to imagine. He was a fine spectre that deserved respect. Saren had to stop thinking about it like that; he felt like he was praising his work, and that was something he hated. Boasting about his protege was not something that he had ever done, not out loud, anyways. He wasn't that arrogant.

He idly opened up a blank page, then hesitated as he thought out his message. Nihlus had been very... Distant. It was the fact that he was unsure where they stood, when they were not together in person. Saren knew that. But he wasn't sure how to reassure the younger turian, or if he even should. Nihlus wasn't an idiot, he knew exactly how Saren felt. It was just a matter of whether or not Saren wanted it publicly known to others. He didn't want to hide it, really. But he was never one to advertise his business. He would treat Nihlus with the same care that he did the rest of his endeavors. But denying it was there? No. He couldn't do that. Not to him.

_Hey._

_You know, you really do talk too much. You always have._

_Don't worry yourself too much with what those humans think of your presence. You're there to do your job, you should focus on that. I don't believe I would enjoy your new friend, but I suppose I would trust your judgment if you say she is different than the others. Just make sure she is accepting this spectre training for the right reasons. When this is all said and done, you are responsible for her. Just remember that._

_I would hope that the exclusiveness of our training together would prevent you from having to keep her warm, should your current ship decide to stop working properly at night. While keeping close for warmth is a necessary survival tactic, and I wouldn't want any of those dear humans to freeze, I will remind you that your mate would be severely put off if you were to lend your warmth to any of them._

_You're going to do great. You always do. How could you not? I trained you._

_There. A little arrogance. That is what I have learned from you. Among other things..._

_Take care of yourself. I'll see you soon._

_-S_

Saren had to read over the message a few times before he decided it would suffice. He wondered if Nihlus would read into it too much and think that Saren really was doubting him, or suspecting him of disloyalty. But again, Nihlus was smart. He would take the message for what it was, and he would respond openly, without the uncertainty that was present in the previous message.

Saren sent it, then closed out his tool. Nihlus' message was sent last night, in the early hours of the morning. Perhaps he wasn't sleeping so well either. Saren had tactically left out any parts of the reapers or his implant. He knew it would only cause concern to fester within Nihlus and Saren wouldn't distract him right now. He had a job to do. Saren would tell him in person. On Eden Prime.

He got out of the bed carefully. The ache in his head turned into a light pound. His legs were shaky, and his heart sped up, but he managed to walk. His eyes landed on the chair that sat in the small room, and he had to smile at the sight of his armor.

* * *

><p>"Five minutes, sir."<p>

"Everything is prepared and we are ready to go. All that's left is your signal."

Saren stared at the terminal in front of him. There were a lot of people on his ship, and a lot of voices, what with the asari commandos Benezia had brought and the robotic noises from the geth that inspected the ship's systems. But no voice stood out more than Sovereign's. It was a strange grip, and it was one that Saren could not shake. He could not block out the voice like he could before. It was a mere whisper, but it was somehow louder than the rest of the people around him. It asked questions, it made statements, it prodded Saren for information and then relayed it back to him after he had refused to talk about it. It knew the in's and out's of his mind. It knew everything. Everything except boundaries, that is. And that made him irritable, which was not a very good thing with all of these people around. He had permitted Benezia to bring her asari with her, and for the large number of geth to be on the ship, but he had somehow over estimated his patience. It had been a long time since he had worked on a ship with a full crew. So with the reaper in his mind and the people asking him a hundred different questions, Saren had quickly shut down his direction of thought on the mission and focused on Sovereign instead. That left Benezia talking to him as if he was listening, and her making executive decisions when he didn't answer the questions that were being brought to him.

He heard Sovereign speak of Eden Prime again, and the prothean beacon. The reaper was hell bent on getting there before anyone else, and Saren knew it had the power to travel that fast. It was just concerning that it was so adamant on getting there. But Saren could not rid the voice from his mind. So he was forced to listen to it go on and on about cleansing the galaxy.

"Saren?"

He blinked. An irritated growl escaped him as he looked over to Benezia.

"What?" he hissed.

"We await your orders."

"Go to Eden Prime."

"Anything else?"

"Do not stop until we are there."

Saren turned away from her. He had to be alone. Sovereign whispered in the back of his mind, asking him to consider another upgrade, but Saren pushed that thought out of his head. He felt so delusional and out of balance as it was. He didn't want another upgrade to make him feel worse. But he somehow knew that he wouldn't have a choice later on. Sovereign had a hold on his mind, and he had felt the power it had over him a few times already. When his feet wouldn't move even though he ordered them to, when he said one thing but meant the other. It was only going to get worse. And he feared that until Sovereign was dealt with, he wouldn't be able to rid himself of this.

He then felt very guilty. He hadn't said a word to Nihlus about any of this. And he had every right to know. Saren's life was at risk. But in his line of work, when wasn't it? There was no need to raise concern when the situation was under control. Saren and Benezia had a plan, and they were working together to achieve it. He would discuss it with Nihlus after they had succeeded. For now, he had to focus on getting to him. He had to focus on getting to Eden Prime.

* * *

><p>The human planet was beautiful to Saren. At first, anyways. Then Sovereign got a hold on his mind again. It reminded him of the trouble the humans had caused, and it reminded him of what the humans had taken from him. It reminded him, needlessly, of his brother. And with the push of the reaper, Saren had ordered the geth down on the planet. It was out of the ordinary for him, and it wasn't something he typically would have done, but he needed the prothean device, and he doubted the humans would have just let him take it, spectre status or not. And there would have been bloodshed anyways. So he ordered the geth to move forward and to clear a path for him. He would find the beacon himself and get it safely to the ship, and he would find out where Nihlus was. It would interrupt his training, but there were bigger things at stake. And Nihlus would understand that.<p>

So Saren wandered alone among the colony that was now quiet after the attack. The geth had taken care of most of the people. Benezia had wanted to aid him, but he had refused and told her he worked better alone, and that he needed time to himself with this mission. Of course she had insisted, but so had he. And now he was alone. The beacon was further ahead. He could feel it. He figured it had something to do with the grip that Sovereign had on him. But he wasn't sure about that. All he knew was that he felt the beacon, and it was close. But then he was aware of something else. There was a scent in the air, one that was familiar to him. It was a person. He heard movement behind him, and he turned to face the man that stood there, slowly dropping his aim from him.

"Saren?"

Saren attempted to give a smile, but he found that he was unable to.

"Nihlus."

The dark turian holstered his weapon, then stepped forward.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

Saren heard the tone of surprise in Nihlus' voice. He tried to step forward, but he couldn't. His mind was quickly fogging. Sovereign whispered of the weakness once again, and Saren was not able to hush it. Saren instead reached forward and gave Nihlus a pat on the shoulder.

"The council thought you could use some help with this one." he said casually.

His tone wasn't one that he had meant to use. He found it difficult to focus on the turian in front of him. Sovereign held his mind with an iron grip. He tried explaining this, he tried to begin that conversation with Nihlus, who seemed distracted by all of the chaos around them, but he could not. His tongue failed to move and his mouth would not form words. Nihlus gave him a soft look before he looked around again. Saren could tell he was trying to remain professional with him. He wondered where his trainee was at the moment, but he couldn't bring himself to ask or to really care. Nihlus was walking past him now, looking around, trying to find answers for the geth being here.

"Why do you think the geth are attacking these people?"

Saren turned to look at him. Nihlus' guard was down. And Saren felt himself slipping even further. Sovereign had been telling him that Nihlus was a weakness, and now that he was standing in front of him again, it would seem that the reaper had a plan for him. Saren shook. He was desperately fighting against the urge to lash out at the turian. He wouldn't hurt him. Not willingly, not on purpose.

_Let me._

Saren growled. It was nearly inaudible. Nearly. Nihlus stopped and listened to it for a moment. Saren put his hand on his gun and against his will, he pulled it from the holster on his hip. His hand trembled, shaking his aim from the turian ahead. He thought he was going to be sick. This wasn't happening. It couldn't be. It certainly didn't feel real. But then, the last week hadn't really felt real. He'd been unconscious with a reaper in his brain. There were reapers preparing to destroy the galaxy. And this reaper was preparing to eliminate a weakness. Saren fought, he screamed within his mind for the thing to release it's hold, but it only tightened it's grip on him.

And then his mind went blank. His mind held no trace of sanity, and he did not recognize himself in the moments that followed. He said something, something that he didn't quite catch, and he heard the gun go off, but he was unable to react. He was unable to comprehend what was happening around him. His body just acted. And when he was finally released from Sovereign's hold, he found that his feet were moving, and he was walking away from whatever just happened. He stopped. He was glad that his body was within his control again. He looked around for Nihlus, but he was disappointed in failing to spot him. He turned around, looked in that direction. He dropped the gun that was still in his hand at the sight behind him.

His mind was going numb again, but this time it wasn't from Sovereign. It was his own despair that was causing it this time. He dragged his feet forward, telling himself that he could not simply walk away. He had to look. He had to register in his mind what he had done. Something was rising in him that hadn't since his brother died, and it was threatening to spill over and wreak havoc on anything nearby. His biotics rippled over his skin. When he finally closed the space between him and the turian that now lay on the ground, he sank down to his knees. His stomach was twisted into the worst knot, his voice was gone, and his heart was racing. He carefully reached out and touched him, feeling the cool armor under his talons. He quickly pulled Nihlus into his lap, then stared down at him. His eyes were blank, his mouth open slightly. Saren had to close his eyes. It had been many, many years since he had allowed himself to let out emotions such as these, but here, he had no choice. The tears fell without him permitting them to do so.

He couldn't be sure how long he had sat there and cried and held his lover. All of it was a blur. When he opened his eyes again, he carefully closed Nihlus'. He wished he could have more time to stay with him, or at least to see to it that he had a proper burial, but his mind started to fog again, and Sovereign was barking at him to get to that beacon. The beacon itself called to him. He could not ignore it forever. So he quickly fumbled his hands over Nihlus' armor, flipping up the flap on his chest piece to reach a finger into it. He pulled out the small medallion there, and he squeezed it in his hand for a moment before he put it safely in his own pocket. He cradled Nihlus' head in his hand. He brought his head down to his and he nuzzled against him. He silently begged him to stop playing games and to wake up, but he wouldn't. So Saren nuzzled again. But there was still nothing. Tears threatened him again, but he would not let that happen. Not here. There was at least one other soldier here, and she surely would have heard the gun shot.

Saren allowed himself a kiss on Nihlus' still lips before he moved him back to the ground. Saren got to his feet. His legs threatened to give out. He forced himself to walk. He had to keep moving. He had to get away. To the beacon. He chanced a glance back to Nihlus' body after taking a few paces, and he found that his voice was still too gone to say anything at all.


	4. Chapter 4

The months that followed were very dull. At least, to Saren's conscious mind they were. He hardly knew what was going on when Sovereign was in control of him. He simply had to deal with the down time in between missions that Sovereign had yet to take from him. At least, he hadn't taken it completely. Not yet. Saren had been outfitted with several more upgrades, much to his dismay. But none of it really mattered to him. He didn't really care about the reaper, or the upgrades. Or Benezia, or the geth. He knew that he wasn't the only one who had been taken over by the reaper. He could tell by the way that she acted that the matriarch was also hearing the reaper within her thoughts. That was, until Noveria happened.

Apparently Nihlus' trainee had taken it upon herself to track him down and to stop him. For what reasons, he wasn't really sure. Perhaps she wanted revenge for what he did to Nihlus. Perhaps she wanted to keep working for that spectre status. That was just another thing he didn't care to have an answer to. He simply wanted the images of Nihlus laying in his own blood out of his mind. Of all the things Sovereign could make him do, he could not make him forget that day. Now he was forced to carry out whatever crazy plans the reaper wanted him to achieve. And it had started costing him his crew. Benezia was killed on Noveria. That had struck a nerve within Saren. He wasn't sure why, but it had. Perhaps it was just proof that they were all disposable to Sovereign. He didn't know. What he did know was that this was all growing very tiring, and all he wanted was a release from it. He wanted it to end. He wanted this to be over.

He had to force his mind from that train of thought as the reaper approached the Citadel. He thumbed over the medallion that hung from his neck, then gave a nod to the geth that waited for his command. The reaper's plan was to open the flood gate for the reapers, and the Citadel was it's proverbial door knob. So they were docking, and the geth were creating more chaos, like they had on Eden Prime. And he followed, slowly, taking in the sight of everything. He had to close the arms of the Citadel, and the controls were in the presidium. So that was where he went. He begged Sovereign to take over his mind and to do it for him, but it didn't. The reaper was under heavy fire from the council's ships. So Saren had to pick up the slack. He just wished he could be on auto-pilot for the whole thing. The past three months of his life he had been in auto-pilot. Now, when it came down to it, he was fully aware again.

He typed on the console on the presidium with as much haste as he could muster, but he felt as though he had been awakened from a long sleep. It was hard to function, it was hard to have any amount of urgency in the situation. Then he heard the movement behind him. He stopped his typing and he turned, not bothering to take his gun from his holster. A human woman with blazing red hair stood with her gun pointed at him, her knees bent in a defensive stance, and a hard look on her face. He recognized Shepard the moment he saw her. He had spoken with her, very briefly, on Virmire. She had a very large krogan and a turian behind her, both with guns of their own at the ready. He gave her a look that he was sure she didn't understand. But the turian behind her caught it. It was a look of guilt.

"Shepard." he said in a raspy voice.

"You don't have to do this Saren."

"I don't have a choice."

"Everyone has a choice."

"I have... I have done these things because this galaxy needs someone to make the hard choices. The sacrifices."

"Like the one you made on Eden Prime?" Saren had to look away from her. He would not show his emotions to her. She would not understand. But just as he thought that, she spoke again. "Why did you do it?"

Saren shook his head as he stared at the ground.

"I couldn't stop."

"He loved you."

Her words cut deep within him. He didn't know how she could have known that, but the way she spoke told him she had no doubt in her mind about it. Nihlus had always been a talker. Saren figured they'd spoken about it at some point on their journey to Eden Prime. Saren shook his head at her. She would never understand. Even if Nihlus told her everything about them and their history, she would never understand what had festered between them.

"And I him."

"Let us fix this Saren." she said softly. "Help us fix this. For him."

Saren wanted to agree, he wanted to aid her cause. But he knew that if he were to agree, Sovereign would simply take over again, and this would all end very badly. He didn't want to risk hurting her, as she was clearly a hope for this galaxy to survive the coming war. So he shook his head at her.

"I cannot."

"Saren-"

"I will not fight you, Shepard. But I cannot help you... Thank you, for giving me this chance, at least."

She gave him a nod. He took the gun from his holster and raised it up to his chin, and after a brief moment of fear, he pulled the trigger.

* * *

><p>His eyes fluttered open with difficulty. He heard a voice, and then another that responded to it. They were hard to focus on. He clenched his hands into fists, and then released them. He curled his toes, tightened the muscles in his thighs, and then relaxed. He had full functionality in all of his limbs. He didn't understand that. What had happened? Had Sovereign taken his mind just in time to prevent him from taking his life? Had he fought Shepard and now he was in a hospital? Was the fight on the Citadel over? He felt no trace of Sovereign in his mind. Not even in the slightest. He realized that he had not felt this way since before he had been indoctrinated. His mind was absolutely clear, save for the fogginess of what had happened after he pulled his gun on himself. He shifted in the bed he was in, and then heard quick footsteps around him. He felt hands on his shoulders, as if to tell him to remain in bed. He was unable to protest, and found that he was actually more tired than he had thought. He did not try to open his eyes at first.<p>

"Don't move Saren."

He turned his head in the direction of the voice, and his eyelids parted slightly to see who was with him. A brief glance of dark plates and white colony markings was registered in his mind before he shut his eyes again. It was very painful to look around. So he listened to the voice that told him to stay put, and he felt a taloned hand holding his own. He was comforted by this, and he was able to drift off to sleep with ease.

When he woke again, his mind was much more clear, and was able to open his eyes right away. He was alone, in a pale white room. A window showed the outdoors on the far side of the room, and from the look of it, he was on the Citadel. Maybe all of it had been a horrible nightmare and he was just now waking up from his operation to put in that first implant. But that had been impossible. So much had happened. He looked around the room to take in his surroundings. The room had a very strange feel to it. Like it was a dream. But he was definitely awake. He sat up to take a better look, and after a few moments, the door to his left opened. He looked up, then blinked, as if to shake off a hallucination. But the dark turian in the doorway simply smiled at that.

"Welcome."

His voice made Saren tremble under the sheet that was draped over him. It had been so long since he'd heard it. He shook his head.

"Impossible." he whispered.

Nihlus stepped forward and shook his head now.

"Lay back." he ordered.

Saren listened to him and leaned against the wall at the head of the bed. He didn't take his eyes from the turian. Nihlus sat down on the bed carefully, his green eyes not leaving Saren's face.

"This is a dream." Saren said. The statement sounded more like a question.

"No."

"This isn't real though."

"Yes. It's very real."

"How... You're..."

"So are you."

Saren averted his eyes from the man.

"I really killed myself." he said.

"Yes. You did."

Saren looked back up to him. He couldn't help the whimper that rose in his throat.

"I'm so sorry."

"Don't be sorry, Saren. Your mind was not your own."

"I tried to stop it-"

"Saren." Nihlus' voice held comfort. Peace. Saren longed to feel that. He wanted to be at peace like that. "It's over now."

Saren nodded at him.

"The reapers won?"

"Not yet."

"Will they?"

"I think Shepard has a better chance of saving the galaxy now that you and I are out of the way." Saren noticed how calm Nihlus was. He had no worry about the reapers, he had no concern for whether or not Shepard would succeed. He had no anger for what Saren had done to him. He simply squeezed Saren's hand and gave him a soft smile. "You'll be ok now."

"This is real?" Saren asked.

"Yes."

"This is..." Saren looked around again. "Kind of calm for hell."

Nihlus laughed and Saren was caught by the tone. He searched the vibrant green eyes for a trace of emotion. There were plenty to be seen there.

"This is no hell, Saren."

"Heaven, then?"

"This is simply where we go next. Some go elsewhere, some are here. This is where our spirits rest."

"It looks like the Citadel to me."

"Me too. I think it's because we spent most of our lives there."

"Can we travel?"

"No. If we are meant to move on from here, we will do so when we are ready. But this is where we rest for now."

"How... How do we survive?"

"This is the afterlife, Saren. Survival is for the living."

Saren gave him a nod as he thought over his words. He had a difficult time grasping this new reality, but when Nihlus stroked his thumb over the back of his hand, he thought that maybe this new reality wouldn't be so bad.

"Do we have duties here?"

"No. We are free from those burdens."

"So what have you been doing here for the past three months?"

Nihlus smiled, then looked down to their hands.

"Preparing myself for an eternity here. Learning about the people. Meeting new friends."

"How did you find me so quickly?"

"What do you mean?"

"How did you know that I was... That I died?"

"There is a woman here that has what everyone calls 'the sight'. She summoned me. She told me that you would be here soon." Nihlus looked around at the room for a moment. "This is where people turn up, when they come here."

Saren nodded in understanding. Nihlus stroked his thumb over the back of his hand again. Saren looked back up to him and searched his eyes. There was something he wanted to say. He just didn't. He remained silent; he wanted to hear Saren ask. In the past, Saren wouldn't so easily oblige to Nihlus' mind games, but here, he didn't care. After everything that had happened, and given the fact that they weren't even alive anymore, not really, Saren couldn't rightly tell Nihlus to stop being coy and say what was on his mind. There was no real reason to guard his feelings anymore. So he wouldn't.

"I'm sorry..." Saren started. "I fought. But I just... I couldn't stop myself. Having that reaper in my head... It was..."

Saren found himself at a loss for words. He simply couldn't describe what it was like to have his mind taken over by a machine. Nihlus squeezed his hand again.

"Did you know what you'd done, after it was over?"

Saren shook his head briefly.

"Not right away. But I did eventually."

"How long was it until you got your mind back?"

"Within minutes."

"So you saw my body?"

Saren nodded. He hated the memory of holding Nihlus' body and wishing he'd still be alive. It caused him to shiver.

"Yes. I took your insignia."

Saren saw how Nihlus was taken back by that statement.

"You did?"

"Why wouldn't I? You are my mate."

Nihlus gave him a crooked grin.

"I don't know..." Saren reached into his shirt, but was disappointed to find that there was no chain hanging from his neck. He frowned. "It will not be in this world. Material things were not brought with you."

Saren rubbed the skin on his neck then, and he scowled.

"My mark is gone."

Nihlus pulled back the collar of his shirt, showing his unscathed skin.

"So is mine. We're cleansed of all our physical wounds and scars when we are brought here."

"I don't like that."

"I didn't either when I first got here... But we can always make more."

Saren caught the smile Nihlus flashed him and he shook his head.

"Of all the things you wish to do here..."

"I haven't seen you in three months. I expected it to be a lot longer than that." Nihlus said before leaning forward and pressing his lips to Saren's. "Pardon me for missing you."

Saren snaked his hand up to the back of Nihlus' neck and pulled him in closer. The first kiss had been too brief, too light. He had to fix that. His tongue slipped past his lips and into Nihlus' mouth, seeking to taste his lover. Nihlus returned the kiss just as well, and they soon forgot all else. Nihlus pushed Saren to shift and lay on his back. Saren let out a sigh, and he pulled Nihlus down on top of him. Their mouths soon left each other and Nihlus' sought out the Saren's neck instead. He let out a contented sigh. His hand wandered up to the base of his fringe and Nihlus let out a purr.

"Tell me." Nihlus breathed on his neck.

"Tell you what?"

"Tell me how you feel."

Saren closed his eyes. Nihlus wanted to hear the words come from him. Saren had never said it before. They had never actually spoken of their feelings. Not outright. But he figured that this would be the time, as they were no longer in their world, and here, they only had each other. Hiding his feelings would get him nowhere. They needed each other. And even if Nihlus didn't feel the same way, Saren knew he needed him. He had realized that in the months after Nihlus' death. He would make sure that Nihlus knew how he felt.

"I love you." Saren whispered.

"Louder."

He let out a groan as Nihlus' tongue trailed up his neck.

"I love you." he repeated.

"I missed you." Nihlus rasped.

"You have no idea."

"It's just us around here."

"Then make love to me."

Nihlus shivered on top of him.

"Of course."

Saren let Nihlus do what he wanted, and they slowly worked their way into a quiet, peaceful unity that the two of them were happy to share, for the rest of their time.


End file.
